wakey wakey hands off snakey
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
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