Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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