i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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