I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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