just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
