Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
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