Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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