im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
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