In the future we'll all be gay
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I realized that I've made out with a different boy almost every time we've gone to mcgoreys....I don't need a boyfriend...I have that bar
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
