i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Randomize
