i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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