I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
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