oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
