woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Randomize
