This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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