If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
