Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
