I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
