Already got asked if we're dating
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
