Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
