honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Randomize