i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
Randomize
