Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize
