so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Randomize
