He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
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