so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
