life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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