i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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