Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
I've been emailing with a woman. I don't think she's into me, but we've become sorta email buddies. I'm hoping to meet her because on her profile she states she's into 'fisting.' Frankly the thought kinda freaks me out but I'm dying to see what kind of woman is 1) into that and 2) admits it upfront.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
