I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
