I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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