Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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