I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
