You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
