I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
You made out with two different species that night
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
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