I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
I think i got beer on your cat.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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