ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
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Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
Randomize
