Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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