And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
