i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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