I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize