i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
