clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
I'm having to shit out rocks
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