god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
