The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
