I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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