Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
if hell is full of stilettos, fake tans, bleached hair, overused make-up, drawn out s's and blatent bitchiness, then i'm in hell right now.
Lol welcome to greek life
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
