Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
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