and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Randomize
