If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
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