I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
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